They are a fickle thing.
Since being back in Calgary, I am immensely grateful for the friends I have out here. They are my support system, and keep me company if I’m ever feeling down. They listen to me, and I listen to them. We have good chats and fun laughs and I love spending time with them. I have known them since I was a child, and I cherish that friendship so much. They have seen me through thick and thin for literally 20 years now. That is pretty remarkable.
However, this excellent quality is both good and bad. After spending little time with them, I can easily see how much I have changed from them, and they have changed from me. On top of this, I find that I pick up on their subtle insecurities and internalize them all too quickly – a seemingly lifelong habit. Honestly, I relish the changes I’ve undergone since being apart from them. I have grown more confident, outgoing and open to others. I have felt what it’s like to be surrounded by positive, uplifting friends, and to do fun stuff with them all the time. I like life better. I wonder if my friends act as an anchor to drag me down from time to time. I just want to shake them and tell them to stop being self-conscious, and that NO ONE CARES GUYS. Let’s go have fun and do something! But they’re so worried about money and they come up with excuses not to. It’s annoying. I just want to live. Plz let me live. And when I do live, they automatically judge me and flood my mind with their anxious thoughts and tell me how weird I am. No one wants that. Hm. Plz let me live.
I know that both have had to deal with a lot of issues growing up, and it’s harder for them to see things from a sunny or carefree perspective because of it, but I do think that it occasionally drags me down. And that’s not ok.
Overall, they really are anchors for me. They keep me grounded, and I know I can always feel safe and secure when I’m with them, a truly invaluable thing. And yet, as anchors, they also act as a pulling force keeping me in one place. Not allowing me to float free as I choose. And isn’t that ultimately what life’s about? Exploring and letting yourself roam free to find out who you truly are, and what makes you happy? Then orienting yourself towards the things that bring you joy?
So really, I’m happy and also occasionally disappointed in my friends. I know they will likely grow out of the insecurity, I just hate that they make me more insecure as I spend more time with them, and slowly adapt to their anxious mindsets. I guess it’s lucky that I notice it in them, and as such can take strives toward NOT internalizing it. In fact, maybe it’ll push me to be the exact opposite. Honestly, it’s a more appealing thought. I will give it a go.